This is Me in the Raw....Being Real...and Dealing with Some Hard Truths

Today has been a tough day. My sister and I had a bit of a falling out over something really stupid. Instead of shrugging my shoulders and not talking about it I did and that was uncomfortable. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. Well, I am glad we dealt with it because it was a huge huge misunderstanding. Like we really did not understand at all. So it is resolved, but it got me thinking about some underlying issues. Issues that I did not even know existed. Those issues have to do with the fact that I am comfortable in my own skin. Like I am used to seeing myself everyday. I am my friendly face and I know what I will see in the mirror. I know who I am and I find comfort in that. Here are a few pictures of me over the last three or so years:





Well with all of that being said (and seen) this is an E-mail I sent her today. I opened up a lot more than I am comfortable with. Like I don't want anyone to know these dark deep secrets. My thought in posting it here is that I can get further clarity and deal with it even more. This is tough. This is raw. Here it is:

I gotta admit with all of this I see how not ready I am to in some regards. Like the comment about "clothes" that was made (not by you). Do you know that comment completely freaked me out? I *love* my clothes and often times have not lost weight or attempted it because I would have to get new clothes. I like my stores (Lane Bryant and Torrid). I know where to go and what size to get and what will look good. It sounds stupid, but the fact that I have been looking at me in this skin...in this fat..for so many years it is just "me". Having to watch this body transform is going to be hard because I don't know what that is going to be at the end. My OCD tendencies don't like being out of control and for the next year or two that is exactly what is going to happen. I noticed today as I was walking back from the kids' school that I felt more "jiggly". Then I put on my real clothes for the day and did not like the skin I saw and just where it was flapping. My skin has to catch up with my weight loss because I had lost the initial so quickly. See, in my world I would rather look fat and young then skinny and old. I must confess that I have fallen off the wagon today because of it. Not horribly bad like I still ate a healthy lunch and did the protein shake for breakfast, but I did just eat banana with peanut butter (that is so not on my point allowance!). I am "grounding" myself until church tonight. I really want a Starbucks but I know that if I go I will go by DQ or Sonic and will pick up a blizzard. Right now....at this very moment....I don't want to lose weight. I want to stay fat. I want to stay in control. I want to stay comfortable. I just don't want to change. That is what I want right now. However, I also have enough wisdom in this game I play with myself to know that if I do totally go off the wagon (I can recover from a banana with peanut butter -- oh and I even measured the peanut butter! LOL!) then I will be off of it for weeks and I will kick myself and then get mad at myself, so I will "ground" myself and try not to kill my family :-)