Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Calling

I have been struggling with a few internal demons lately. I don't know exactly what my problem is, but I do know that some of the thoughts that I have been having and some of the feelings are not from God. I don't mean to get all "preachy". In fact, preachy people usually really tick me off. I am just being real when I say that. I don't pretend to have God figured out. I know He is up there and I know that He loves each and every one of us, but His ways are not our ways. I am part of His flock of sheep. Sure I am cute and fluffy like a little sheep, but more importantly compared to God's infinite wisdom I am stupid -- just like a sheep. So, with all of that being said, sometimes I feel like the Body of Christ makes these statements and sets these rules up that the are convinced are founded in Him. When, in actuality they may not be. I don't pretend to have it figured out anymore. I used to think that I had it all figured out....all black and are either in or you are out. Period. End of story. Well, once I hit about 30 I realized that life is full of a bunch of gray area and I live in that gray area most of the time. It is more important for me to have a personal relationship with my Maker. I can't pass judgment or tell someone else how to live out their faith. I will pray for people and always be nice to them, but my days of saying "You can't do this..." or "you can't do that" are over. I am not your Maker and I can not pass judgement as such.

Like I stated earlier I have been struggling with some things in life. Maybe I am having an identity crisis. I mean all of my children are going to be in school from 8 - 3 next year and I could like do something other than just them. My identity has always had a label on it. I was as student, teacher, wife, mother and so on. I will always be all of those things to a certain extent, but my life needs a new role or the roles I am in are changing and I just don't know what that means. Sometimes I get resentful because I feel like I have helped everyone achieve and reach their dreams, yet there is always a reason on why I can't reach mine. I feel like I am always shot down and it is hard to live someone else's dream all the time. Then I feel selfish for feeling like that. I mean should I not be thriving to sacrifice myself for the good of others? Well...yes and no. I should sacrifice and put others first, but I can not deny that God made me a certain way with gifts and talents that are all mine. If I am not to use them then why did God give them to me? I have asked God to take the desires away and they are still there. Is it such a bad thing if I want to use them? Or would it be a worse thing if I did not use them and just sat idle and missed an opportunity. I am still sorting through it all.

Then I feel like God is not there anymore for me. I was having a real pity party over that one the last few weeks. Seriously had the "poor poor me" mentality going on. This morning as I was drinking my breakfast (as my daughter likes to say because I have a protein shake every morning) I sat down at my desk and glanced at my prayer journal. I opened it up and realized how much I have been missing God. I miss that intimate relationship I have with him. So, I started to write down prayer concerns and needs that I did not even know I had in my head. Then I started to talk to God. Once I got done drinking my breakfast I had the strongest urge to get back to my daily time with God. Just Him and I. No distractions. Just focus and rest in God's presence and grace.

Suddenly I had a horrible thought! I thought to myself "I wish God wanted to spend time to with me. I feel like he has turned his back on me." As I started to lick my spiritual wounds and start to sing in my heart some sad pathetic country song the light went off in my head. I discovered a spiritual truth....or maybe was reminded of it and that is that when I feel that desire to spend time with God that is actually his hand on me. He calls me first. See, He is calling me back to him. He does want me. I am his baby and He desperately wants to spend time with me and have a personal relationship with me again. I then was filled with self doubt. I thought of how "bad" I have been and how I need to fix myself before I can have anything to do with him, so I started to make up a plan to do just that. It was like God chuckled in Heaven and spoke to my heart and reminded me that He wants me as I am now not as I should be. It was liberating. I finally felt like my Heavenly Father had not turned his back on me. Instead I knew that I had turned my back on Him, but He forgives and is over it so I need to be over it to. I just need to spend time with God and let the rest of it work itself out.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Beauty in the Center of Sin City

I know it has been awhile since I have blogged, but I have a really good reason. Actually there are 12 good reasons.....

As you can see from the above pictures we had puppies! Welcome to the world our 12 new Golden Retriever puppies. They are now 2.5 weeks old and just amazing. We are having so much fun with these little bundles of joy, but wow does it eat up my day! LOL!

Now, on with the second aspect of this entry. A few weeks ago I spent the weekend in Vegas. I had a great time and it is indeed sin city. Fairly certain that if you wanted to get yourself in trouble Vegas is where to do it. With that being said, I saw one of the coolest things in the heart of all of the "sin". A beautiful butterfly garden and a ton of lovely flowers! Amazing that something so pure and beautiful could be in the heart of a place like that. Just goes to show that no matter where you are in life God can always shine through! Here is a small taste of the Garden at the Belagio: