A Heart for Missions....

....is what I have and that is why this choice is very hard for me to make. I have always wanted to go to China. Ever since I lived in Germany back in 1993 I had a longing to go to China. Why China?

Was it so that I could visit and see the beautiful sights?

No

Was it so that I could immerse myself in the culture?

No

Was it to learn another language?

Nope

See, the reason I wanted to go to China was for no other purpose than to do mission work. I wanted to work with the Underground Church and go over there for a year on a Visa that stated I was there as an educator. I was going to use the Bible as my source of text to teach English.

I had it all planned out. First get the degree. Next get the certification. Finally, head on over there and change the world.

Then....


I got married and all of my dreams of working with the Underground Church came to a screeching halt. Not only was my hubby not down for that, he really did not have a traveling free spirit like I did. So, I buried my hopes and desires of heading over there. Although I did still dream about it.

This past Sunday in church an opportunity presented itself to finally get to live out this 18 year dream I have had of going to China. I presented it to the hubby and ironically he told me to investigate it more. I was honestly expecting him to smash the idea. However, that is not what he did. He actually encouraged me to do it. He told me that it is something I have wanted to do for the majority of my life and I should try to do it if God was leading me in that direction.

Wow!

Cool!

So with excitement and a little bit of fear (I mean after all it is a Communist country and not a fan of Christianity) I did dig. I even came to the conclusion that I was going to do it.

So, I prayed. You know I had to convince God that I should do this for Him. Don't we do that all the time? Tell God what we are going to do for Him then ask him to get on board and bless it.

 Then I started to doubt my motives and question God....was I doing this to see the world thus helping me get one step closer to crossing off my bucket list visiting all the continents on Earth? Was I trying to do this so I could live out some silly childish fantasy? God was silent.

I am not a fan of silence from the Almighty. It drives me crazy.

This conversation I have been having with God has been going on for a couple of days now and finally today on my morning walk I had my answer.

Did I want to go to China so that I could prove to myself that God was really there?

Was I doubting my choice to go to China because I was a big fat clucking chicken? (FYI I asked my husband this question and he did not even have to think about it. He said that I was by far the least cowardly person he has even known and usually he is having to slow me down when I make up my mind...not speed me up.)

Do I have some hero complex that I want to feed?

Did I want God to prove to me that he still cared about me through China?

Silence...sigh....I just wish God would scream from the heavens at this point. It would it make it easier.

Did I want to go to China to prove to God that I was willing to die for him, sit in prison, or be persecuted in his name?

Then He spoke to my heart "I don't want you to die for me. I want you to live for me. You don't need China to do that."

So, there you go. I am not going to China. I need to stay on US soil and take care of my home front and teach my children how to live.

Speaking of home front (oooo I am so going to make a plug for my new website and did not even plan too!), I have a website now. Check it out: http://scrappyhomefront.com